Heartbroken

How many times do we get  friend/s who become our soul sisters? Whom we call our Best Friend(s) Forever ? Who accept us as we are? With whom we can speak anything under the sky, no taboos ? I am lucky to have found such friends, not one but three. My SHs (Sweethearts).

We met during our PG and within the first semester became inseparable friends. There was nothing common between us. We came from different places, only two of us shared same mother tongue but different slangs, different caste/religion, financial background, family back ground, educational background and so on. And we were not exactly like minded either. Our likes, dislikes, interests, opinions, characters varied most of the times. But yet we bonded so well.

After college our lives took different turns, we went to different places, but our friendship remained intact. We shared, discussed, disagreed, advised and gave unconditional support to one another in every decision one took in her path of life. NO, we were not in touch every day. Sometimes I was not in touch with them for months together. And then one fine day we talk, email, text and none of us ever felt odd about it. Any day when I felt low, a call , an sms, a mail (which later becomes chain mails, which sometimes were carried forward to days together) from one of the Shs was enough to bring a smile on my lips and warm my heart.

When, two weeks ago, I felt the tremors of Earth quake for the first time in my life, I never knew my world was going to shake the next day. A call from one of my Shs shook the earth under my feet.

One of my Shs was in a phase of life, which two of us were kept dark about. The one with whom she shared this, was torn between the promise to her that she wouldn’t share it with us and the guilt that she couldn’t share it with us. But once she realized that the decision the other has taken might hurt her badly, she shared it with us. Though we were shocked how she could keep us in dark about this so long, we excused her and contacted her immediately, to give her a word of caution and express our support.  The result  was totally unexpected.

A person who always told us that, she was lucky to have such supportive friends, suddenly thought we were her fake well wishers. A person who till the day before told that, she always felt better after talking to us, suddenly asked us to stop interfering in her life. A person who discussed with us events of her life and accepted our support and disagreements, suddenly told us that she does not need our advice in her decisions.

The most shocking thing was her reason for not sharing it with us, she didn’t trust us! she didn’t trust us ? She could have given any excuse in the world, but not trusting us ? What was in our relationship, if it was not trust and accepting each other as we are ? She was angry to the other for revealing it to us, she cried a lot and felt cheated it seems. What about us? Didn’t we feel cheated that she did not trust us for last one year and yet her every word and action told us that we were her bestest friends . What have we ever done in last so many years of friendship to earn her distrust ? Why did she continue the friendship if she didn’t trust us?

I didn’t know how much it ate my heart until the other day my manager asked me, “why are you so down these days, are you sick ?” I immediately put a big smile and said “nothing”.  ‘Nothing’, the word we use when everything is wrong. I went back to my desk, but my eyes welled up, I rushed to the rest room and cried my heart out for next 15 minutes.

If she had just replied to my mail : Seena, I am confident about the decision I have taken and happy about it and just stay out of this. We would have left it at that. And she knows it. But why is she so ashamed of the decision to hide it from us, why is she so insecure to react in such a way when we learnt it? That is what is making us uneasy.  We are just praying, let her decision bring happiness to her and prove all our anxieties wrong.

Even now, I am waiting for that one call, one sms, one mail that could brighten me up. Even now, when she has broken my heart into pieces, I am eager to find any excuse in the world for her actions and have her back.  I want her to know we are not her ‘well wishers’, we are her friends. I never believed in one sided love, but now I know there are three of us who are in one sided love with her.  Even after all this, we are more concerned about her well being than being upset with her. Why are we not able to shut her out as she did ?

The one who can brighten your heart  most is also the one who can shatter it to pieces.

PS : To my husband, who reads my blog, this is about my friend’s personal life and I cannot share it with you. I cannot even reveal who the friend is.  That’s why I have not used the initials too. I wrote it here only because I am trying to get this out of my system.

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10 thoughts on “Heartbroken

  1. Oh! I can understand your inner turmoil. And it must be on your mind 24×7. Have you thought from your friend’s perspective? Why she said what she said… her situations/circumstances…
    May be you should write to her and ask/explain
    Communication is the key… until and unless you talk to her you wouldn’t know the real reason for her this behavior. All the best and take care!

    • Yes Shilpa, its in my mind all the time. The sad part is, she has blocked us off completely. We tried to reach her in different ways, we want to listen to her but she is not responding to our calls or mails. May be she needs some time, its painful, but we are waiting.

  2. We tend to develop such relations.What angers me the most is our hypocracy.The moment we have a “sister”realationship…we rush to her with a Rakhi.
    Damn,trust yourself

  3. I’m sorry that you had such a distressing experience with your friend. I can understand how disturbing and unsettling a feeling it can be. I hope you are able to talk it out with your friend and resolve your friendship soon 🙂

  4. I can understand how you feel. Your SH has obviously made up her mind and even knows it may not be a wise decision, so is steering clear of the people who might tell her the truth.

    It is a phase I’m going through right now with a friend as well. If he would only tell us about it Sigh! Anyways. We go way back and the fact that he is doing this means he might need me more than ever when his delusion dissipates. May be it is the same for you… Let’s see.

    But here is strength and prayers from Dubai (Just incase it takes a little too long to come from India 🙂 )

    • Thank you for the prayers Archie.. But unfortunately as of now the friendship is broken. She has completely shut us out and her words in our last conversation really hurt us so much, I had a fight with her for the first time ever. We have realized that there is no more hope in there. Just hope she is happy in whatever decision she has taken .

And Thank you for allowing me to walk in your Sandals/Shoes :)

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